I've been meaning to reflect about this topic for a while. Being home, and living home now for almost another year has made me once again reexamine my relationship to food and in turn pleasure. I can list out all the reasons why I turn to food: for comfort, avoidance, instant gratification. It's modeled and begins with my mother's relationship to food. Over the years I've seen it transform from once practicality and nostalgia to now convenience, happiness, and necessity. She's developed diabetes in the last few years. Work and stress of everything ultimately leading up to her sudden stroke in 2017. After that, I told myself I needed to begin taking care of myself in a more loving and intentional way and this year is the first year I've actually started to take steps toward what that lifestyle would consist of. Implementing a morning routine and having water around at all times has been incredibly helpful, filling my belly with air and exhaling the sudden need for sugar. I've found work out videos that I can do at home and when I'm not home finding ways to challenge my body. Fasting has been the most help especially in the morning. I'm no longer needing caffeine to start my day and starting the day with ginger tea instead to warm myself up- which I realize is the sensation that I needed from the coffee, not the anxious jitters that were beginning to affect me- especially my focus.
And so how does this tie in to pleasure? Food has acted as instant gratification and substitute for pleasure and intimacy. The calling on friends and family to share this intimate moment. Going out to eat has always been my love language. Sharing a meal, sharing food with someone who is willing to share. I noticed that when I was having cravings or having the urge to get active I resorted to food first, instead of what I was really craving- closeness and communication, and warmth. These times have proven to be the ultimate tests for all relationships. I'm learning how to deepen the ones that I want to continue to foster in new ways. Opening up and showing a different side of me that I don't normally. Pleasure during this time seems to have been lost. Passion in these last few months have disappeared. We have been, I have been so in my head lately I've only been feeding my mind and not my body. And in turn have resorted to food in fear and not pleasure. When I disconnected from my body, I forgot what it felt like to thrive. It's been a week and a half since I've made changes and I'm really beginning to feel the difference when I fast and get my sweat going. Not ashamed to say my libido has also returned. Deepening the breath is such a thing that is taken for granted.
Our relationships can only go as deep as our ability to deepen our own breaths. Doing so takes time, and effort, and consistency. Then are we able to see things from multiple perspectives, accept the other as they are, and honor our own boundaries. This is what intimacy is about. Strengthening the bond between breath, body, and Spirit feeding ourselves and each other intentionally.