I've been dependent on astrology since I was able to text in to get a random horoscope on my Nokia cell phone. Middle school probably when Quizilla had all the answers to my prepubescent nightmares. I was so convinced that that was the truth. These past few, several, long and mentally and emotionally taxing months I reverted many times to that place. Constantly checking Costar and Chani Nicholas and whoever else I thought might guide me in the right direction. I like many others felt lost and helpless. Relationships feeling like they were on their last straw. But here we are in a new state the morning after this full moon trying once gain to reground myself in my reality and not some generic reading of what's to come. There was a quote on Schulz Saves America, which by the way I highly recommend on Netflix where he says,
" you don't see it to believe it, you have to believe it to see it "
and with that my brain did one of those things where another window opened up. I have been so conditioned to believe that everyone is going to betray me cause intergenerational trauma and probably cause many people - colonizers - betrayed my Ancestors, and then there's the most recent trauma passed down from both my parents, and then there's my own lived experience but also cause that's the only way that the media has portrayed men and friendship. Brown men to be specific and women, often the pretty ones. Most Filipino movies I watched growing up had a lot to do with being unfaithful and the guy that had a whole other family on the side or in another country. Which to be fair, is rooted in truth cause I've seen it happen. But this lead me to believe up until recently that all men were trash and all my friends were evil and didn't really love me.
And there's that cancel culture that is heavy heavy heavy in the Bay. I'm glad I get to be in a place where there isn't this right or wrong, but there's more of a coexisting that happens here. A deep listening. Social Media has been a part of my life since I was able to get a Twitter account in the early 2000s. That language and that way of communicating has been so indirect and so toxic from the jump. I mean look at fkin 45. But he knew the power behind it. Anything in writing will always prevail. It's proof. It's real. In 2021 all I want to do is believe that love is real. Believe in myself and all my friends who are doing things for themselves, healing, revealing, shedding. Believe in true friendships. Believe that my family is looking out for my best interest. Believe that we can truly change the world. Shift the bullshit, take back our narratives, and believe in our community and what we're capable of.
I'm going to change my hair again. I want to grow it as long as possible and envision the most beautiful version of myself who is healthy and free from worry and so trusting in the other realm that I am free of my own anxieties. I want to be the best version of myself this year. I hope and pray for that for you, if you're reading this, I love you and I mean it. We were late on sending our cards again so they'll probably be more Valentines cards or mid January New Years resolution cards, either way you will get it. If I don't already have your address please send it to me! Ok, here we go! The last Wednesday of 2020.